sandman secrets

a long-distance relationship kinda gal

2011-08-23T20:22:00.014-04:00

ellis is not the only long-distance relationship i am proud of flaunting in this blog. and before you gasp, let me set you straight -- i am not unfaithful.

in 7th grade, we started out dancing in the same team, as well as in opposing ones. she was always the popular one while i was always the girl next door. she was always the party girl, while i was always under lock and key, living under my dad's version of martial law. she mostly ran with the most attractive girls in school, while i liked to hang out in different crowds. while she had suitors lined up around the block, jumping through hoops for her attention, i was comfortable just hanging out and having a beer with my guy friends, some of whom were standing in line for her as well. to an extent, she was their secret, and i was the secret-keeper. one thing is for certain though: in the 15 years that we've been friends, she has always worked on keeping our friendship intact. through different courses in college, different relationships, different career paths, different states, different countries, different life choices, bianca figueroa remains to be, to this date, my best friend.

binx, as we call her, is probably one of those people who's been through everything. and when i say everything, i mean, set her up with an advice column, and it'll probably up the value of the paper/magazine. ask her about fashion, career paths, family issues, relationship do's and don'ts and other life lessons, and she'll be able to pick out a lil sum'n-sum'n from her lil bag of experiences that will both sadden and inspire you simultaneously. her strength amazes me. she's been through hell and back multiple times over. heck, she's living through hell as i write this, and yet, she continues to move forward. she doesn't give up. and that speaks volumes about her character.

i remember when we were younger and i was having trouble dealing with how strict my father was, binx was always my go-to shock absorber. she would let me rant until i run out of breath. and at the end of it, she'll just give me a big hug and tell me, "let's just move out already and paint our apartment lime green." just like that, everything starts feeling a whole lot better.

we never did get to move to new york together like we had planned. and we never moved in together to paint our apartment lime green. she now lives in utah with her husband, joe and her lil future heartbreaker, sorin, but she continues to amaze me. we don't talk as often anymore. and we definitely don't see each other anymore. but when we do, it feels like we picked up right where we left off.

there are some people with whom you stay friends, merely for convenience. and then there are those with whom you can trust your life. even though things are much different now, i'm very thankful that binx still falls under the latter category.

there's no ending this long-distance relationship.

ice cream and future lil guys

2011-08-23T20:19:00.002-04:00

just as i thought i'd surround myself with positive influence regarding my food intake, i turned to ben and jerry as they offered me a taste of their version of heaven (in this case, my weighing scale's future hell if i visit them one too many times). i never really had much resistance against pretty things. so it was inevitable that those rainbow sprinkles got me on the hook.

ellis and i walked my vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles and his chocolate fudge brownie over to the port imperial park, just a few feet past ben & jerry's. and as we staked out our spot, towering over everyone else from the platform fountain, i noticed that while we were walking our 200-calorie-filled single scoops, everyone else was walking their dogs.

i was never fond of dogs. or more correctly, i was never fond of pets. my family had a white askal (asong kalye or stray dog) when i was much younger. my uncle meant to bring him home to act as a guard dog. instead, we all had to watch our backs for when the little thing escaped its restraints. because as much as he was supposed to be a guard dog, it had trouble differentiating master from burglar. one time, i was trapped on top of this table in the patio for half an hour while my uncle tried to calm 'squeaky' down. i always wondered why my uncle named him so. with the bark and the bite on that dog, he was anything but squeaky.

after squeaky, my parents, my sister and i moved across the street from our ancestral home, where we didn't have to deal with my uncle's strays. so growing up, the only pet my sister and i ever had was a school of goldfish (which her class eventually overfed and killed after she volunteered to bring them as class pet/mascot). i knew i wasn't much for pets because the whole time we had them, the only responsibility my sister and i ever assumed was to feed the fish. clean-up was mostly up to the maid or my dad. that's also why i think we never pushed for getting a legit breed pup. i didn't want to do the clean up. i wasn't sure we'd have the time to walk them. and unlike most households on our block, we didn't want to just keep them tied down in the backyard (which, back then, we didn't even have). we wanted them to be playthings, have them roam around freely and come back to us at the end of the day without having to go through training them. so my dad put his foot down and said that if we weren't willing to do the work, then having a puppy would be too much of a waste.

even now, i couldn't see myself owning a dog. last year, my cousin's ex-girlfriend was moving apartments, and she asked us if we could take care of her cairn terrier, spanky, while she figured out the living arrangements. mind you, my cousin and i were condo-sitting for my aunt who is working in montreal at the moment. we're staying on the 10th floor of the building with a small balcony. and because my cousin and i have completely opposite schedules, i got to experience part of the puppy-parenting process (though i highly doubt i qualify). my cousin would feed and walk him in the morning. and i would let him out on the balcony with a pad at the end of the day so he can poop and pee. i could see he was miserable in his cage on most days. so sometimes, i'd let him out of his cage and let him roll around in the apartment. when he ends up acting too hyper, i lure him back into his cage with a treat (which mostly happens after 5-10 minutes of letting him out of his cage). i felt bad for the little guy, but i didn't have much patience for him. maybe it's a mood thing because sometimes, i do have fun just watching him run around the apartment and being all happy, wagging its tail and jumping up at me. those days were very rare though.

recently, ellis got me hooked on fish. while he has a small set up in his parents' home for 3 goldfishes, and a small set up for a beta at his allentown apartment, i had a small set up for a beta, HAD being the operative word. after a few months, i came home from work to find my beta grey and floating upside down. i don't exactly know what i did wrong, since fish ranks low on the maintenance department. but again, they never stick around for too long with me. somehow, that makes me worried about having my own kids.

if i can't even take care of a low-maintenance beta, how should i take care of a kicking and screaming baby, waking me up in the middle of the night without any way of telling me what's wrong?

after all this rambling, i get jolted out of my head when ellis asked, "are you going to finish that?" pointing to my cup of melting vanilla ice cream. i look at my cup and feel bad about not finishing it, so i handed it off to ellis who gladly scarfed the rest down. as he finished my cup, this feeling of relief slowly washed over me.

/start of cheesy bit/

i feel dumb about getting lost in my own thoughts and working myself up to worry about parenthood when i know i've got something good here. ellis may not know it yet, but i believe he'd be a great father. he's got this easy way about him that draws the kids in. he's open, caring and goofy. and though he hasn't been all that close with his younger sister, i see how she looks up to him. the way he takes care of his fish is another sure-fire indication of his parenting skills. he makes sure they are fed well and on time, and he meticulously cleans his aquariums religiously. i should be so lucky as to still have him when that phase of my life rolls around. he really does bring balance to my life. while i approach situations with a carefree, live-in-the-moment, let's-cross-the-bridge-when-we-get-there type of reaction (which mostly results in me flailing around like a chicken with my head cut off if things come at me a bit too fast), he approaches every situation with a calm, well-prepared, and methodical manner. hopefully, ours is a future lethal parenting combination.

/end of cheesy bit/

i watch as he jumps off the ledge with the empty cups and soiled napkins to make his way to the trash bins a few feet away from where we were comfortably people-watching, the whole time thinking to myself, "well, at least we know who's got the diaper duty in this relationship."

**this entry was taken from my al fresco blog, dated 21 march 2010.**

of inside jokes and a lifetime of love

2010-07-09T08:49:00.009-04:00

weddings always bring out the hopeless romantic in the hardest of hearts. let's face it. we're in this world looking for our other half. we might be comfortable being by ourselves most of the time, but in reality, the thing that scares a lot of people the most is being alone. at the end of the day, we're in this world wishing we don't grow old by ourselves.

taken in august of 2008 at tina and tony's wedding.

in my family, it's rare to find someone who's not walking around with a heavy-duty dslr. so while everyone was scrambling to take as much photos of my cousin walking out of the church a married woman, i caught this aww-raising moment. this is my cousin, cynthia. she had just gotten married maybe 10 months before this photo was taken. sure, newly-weds will always have that sparkle in their eyes, reminiscing their own special days. but there's something about watching cynthia look so lovingly towards her husband. it looked so much like they were sharing a silent inside joke, and we were so unfortunate to not be in on punchline. i didn't feel left out though. in fact, i felt fortunate still to witness how sweet it was that even without words, they were on the same page.

my family has been fortunate enough to be blessed with great marriages. sure, everyone's had their ups and downs, but after the storm, everyone's managed to hang on, survive, and grow stronger. i can only hope that someday, i would receive the same blessing. and that further into my old age, i can still look at my husband this way.

island within an island

2010-03-15T12:31:00.005-04:00

photo taken on roosevelt island, june 2008

at the start of summer two years ago, i visited a coworker who lives on roosevelt island, and i just fell in love with it. it's a great getaway from the hustle and bustle of the city without actually having to get out of the city. and the view... oh the view. i feel like it's the most relaxing part of new york.

too bad rent is over half my paycheck. i would've loved to stay.

coptic blood is not cheap

2010-02-08T08:53:00.007-05:00

protest outside the united nations headquarters, jan. 19, 2010

working at the united nations, you see a lot of protests done right across the street almost every day. this particular one drew the most crowd, and showed the most desperation i’ve seen in the two years i’ve been here. these people are crying (literally screaming their tears out) for their fellow christians being slaughtered in egypt. it’s seeing the people at protests like this that makes me realize how the number of people in dire need of help outweigh the number of caring hearts. the ratio is just overwhelmingly heartbreaking.

i wish there was something more we could do. i feel like the media isn't showing enough of what's really going on in the world.

hats, hats, hats

2009-12-21T14:49:00.004-05:00

model: candiz capiral

designer: denise arellano

venue: denise arellano's apartment in ny. taken dec. 5, 2009

after much planning and ugly wet weather, we finally were able to do a photo shoot for my friend denise's collection of hats and bags. it was still very chilly, but we managed to make a great shoot out of it.

denise, i believe, is another person people can look up to (or envy, depending on what kind of person you are). she came to new york to study fashion, even when she was already considered an up-and-coming stylist for fashion and alternative lifestyle magazines back home. she's independent, she's fearless, and she's not one for being boxed in. i imagine that on the day god was handing down talents, she was the spirit who barreled her way through everyone else and reach out for an interesting one.

she makes me want to be somebody too.

birthday boy

2009-10-29T05:24:00.001-04:00

union square, taken oct. 25, 2009

i wished for an inconvenient, ridiculous, all-consuming, can't-get-rid-of-the-butterflies-in-my-tummy kind of love, and i got it.

to the person who's given me this, and so much more, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, BABY!

no lines in the sand

2009-10-27T14:59:00.015-04:00

union square, taken oct. 25, 2009

the more i walk around this great city, the more it energizes the artist in me (or so i'd like to think there is one in all of us). i am familiar with the abundance of street performers and on-the-spot poets and painters. but it never ceases to amaze me how much these people trust their talents enough to not sell out and work for "the man". and just when i thought i'd seen it all, i come across this piece of work.

i've heard of sand art before, but i always thought it was only possible in a controlled setting. from what i gather, the native american sandpainting, which was primarily used for healing purposes, the rangoli, which is a popular form of indian sandpainting, and the mandala, which is a tibetan form of sandpainting, are all laboriously created indoors. just recently, i also saw a video of the winner of ukraine's version of "america's got talent", ksenya simonova, who did a live sand show assimilating wwii's german invasion of ukraine using sand, a giant light box, and music. it brought me to tears (and i'm not even ukrainian).

this past sunday, ellis and i ran into the artist of the piece above, joe mangrum, who i gather has devoted most of his life learning as much as he can about art. he's traveled the world to discover new mediums to work with. and for much of the past few years, his installations have included sand art. under normal circumstances, i probably would've thought this person was spoiling a form of art that other religions consider sacred. then again, i've only seen two of his installations in person (including the one he did at the washington square park on aug. 29, 2009). so the past couple of days, i've been scouring the world wide web to further experience and better understand (though i feel like a cheat for doing so) his craft. and the more i search for his work, the more i'm convinced that there's an aspect to his art that ignites in his audience a certain spiritual relationship with everything that surrounds us. his elaborate details and bright popping color arrangements remind me of how i imagine people's auras would look like, rekindling in me an awareness of how different emotions translate into various colors--an awareness, i realize, that i lost in the hustle and bustle of this rat race. it's very humbling.

i've grown to respect his work, even more so that he creates most of these intricate patterns outdoors, where the forces of nature are always unpredictable. and yet, for all the times that he's tested the powers of nature, lady gaia seems to agree his work is impressive. i mean, i assume she enjoys his work so much that she lets him have all the public exhibitions he has under his belt so far. i'm sure from here on out, his work is only going to get even better.

the more i think about it (and with the help of artists like joe mangrum and the rest of the street-performer brood), our full potential is never really achieved; it just keeps growing. our realm of expertise will only keep expanding the more we stay in touch with all that surrounds us. i understand not everybody can be artists like joe mangrum. but hopefully, we all find our niche. and if all else fails, there's no harm in becoming more well-rounded human beings, having this realization in our artillery. in fact, i think having this mindset would even make for a better world.

friendship, romance, and the city

2009-10-21T22:38:00.010-04:00

port imperial park, aug. 31, 2008

i came to take a bite of the big apple, and got a bittersweet taste in my mouth.

things are not exactly the way i'd imagined my life would be. i thought i'd come to the city that never sleeps a masochistic (yet hardworking) lil girl at the mercy of a real-life miranda priestly, working in a cutthroat magazine industry or swimming with mad men ad exec sharks. i had no business falling in love, and finding friends, because i was here to nurture my career.

instead, i'm at a non-profit organization (though i still swim with big sharks who come off as mad men), engaging in no-brainer routine, and hating every bit of this sellout attitude i've got going on. but on a more glass-half-full note, i've made a few friends. still treading quite carefully on that path, but for the most part, at least i have people to run to every now and then who help fill the void of leaving my people behind. and the cherry on top of the sundae--i fell in love, and i'm happy.

all in all, it's not a bad trade. in fact, i feel like i've done a pretty good job for myself, seeing as how i'm not done with life just yet. i still have a long way to go before i land the dream job, but i'm on the other side of the river, and it's close enough. for now, i'm lucky to have what i feel are the more difficult feats conquered--acquiring the right papers to stay in this country (even more, in this great city); finding a good support system in my family, my friends, and ellis; and gradually learning to live on my own.

it's a different taste than what i'm used to. but i'm loving every bite.

overlooking a concrete jungle

2009-10-21T15:44:00.003-04:00

gw bridge (connecting fort lee, nj to the bronx, ny), taken apr. 23, 2008

hello, world. this is pat speaking, a lil girl who grew up in a small country, who continues to dream big, and is now living a lil closer to fulfilling bits and pieces of it. thank you for giving me enough decent nights to keep me going through the motions of the waking moments.